Anxiety Cakes

Life. Motherhood. Liquor. Baked to Imperfection.

Archive for the tag “mid-life crisis”

Life only sucks if you let It

I am not a strong believer when it comes to certain things – but last night while talking through my reasons for wanting to make another life change, it occurred to me that I have been given so many signs that I have chosen to ignore. So many it’s ridiculous. But I guess the reason they were so easily overlooked is because it would have meant “big” change, and “big” change brings on the kind of anxiety that I choose not to deal with. This time it feels different. As I sit here with my deteriorating spine and crippled fingers, I realize that NOT making this change could eventually wreck me both mentally and physically. (Please note that while I am no longer in denial over my anxiety, I still haven’t learned how to fully manage it. I had moved onto the stage of acknowledging it then politely ignoring it, but now it seems I’m moving onto another stage – we’ll call it the “revelation” stage – the whole process is exhausting – and whoever said that ‘admitting you have a problem is the hardest part’ was full of shit.) I guess part of it is, at 40 years young I am finally realizing that there is always an end to the destructive behaviors that we choose to ignore, and it’s never good. There is nothing wrong with realizing and accepting your weaknesses and limitations. The real tragedy is when you keep doing things that make them worse.

So after 22 years of sitting at a desk, I have made the decision to find another way to help support my family by doing something that keeps me active. Something that will allow me to earn a paycheck while improving my conditions and challenging my flaws – rather than helping me down the wrong path to the point of no return. I desire the support of my friends and family in my new ventures, but the hard work and courage it will take to make this happen is solely on me. I’ve got to own this one all by myself.

And now that I finally like beans, the idea of eating them out of a can no longer scares me.



And the Categories Are…

I was having trouble getting started, and then all of a sudden, I found myself wanting to write about all things! So I started one thing, then another, and another. Next thing I know, I have six drafts saved and not one thing posted. Make that seven.

So, I decided to slow it down and start with a list of things I want to write about. I love lists. One time I made a list of lists I had to make. That’s as far as I ever got. I want it to be different this time.

I also decided that I should start using a thesaurus because I tend to use my favorite words over and over again. Especially the word especially. So you should be glad that I’m overly concerned about this – otherwise reading my posts would be like…like when you are talking to a person that says “um” a lot, and as soon as you notice, you stop listening and start counting.

I also need to disable the “Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level” grammar feature in Microsoft word, because their opinion doesn’t really matter here. I’m writing a blog – not a thesis. It always tells me that my finished product is shitty and I’m a 5th grade failure because there are so many fragments in my posts. And there always will be.

Ok, I got off track there for a minute. Back to the list.

Here we go:

The XanaX Files (see what I did there?) – A compilation of writings about the anxieties I suffer from. Everything from debilitating claustrophobia to the bizarre behaviors of entomophobia. They’ll be like science fiction stories, but with medication. Except for they’re true, and I don’t take any meds for these disorders – though I probably should. These stories may bore some readers, but I’m convinced that there are other people out there that agonize over the same things, and I’d like to find them. Misery loves company.

The Vodka Diaries – Alcohol-related misadventures. Sometimes the best drinking fun ends with the worst decisions.

High School Suckage* – Sure, it was decades ago, but horrible memories last forever. I was in trouble a lot, I was the only one dating a guy with a baby, and most of the girls hated me. *All names will be changed – unless you’re still an asshole and you deserve the recognition.

Parental Hovering – I’m an expert at this. My daughter sincerely believes that she won’t have a private life until she’s 30, and I’m okay with that.

Feeling 42 – It’s like a parody of Taylor Swift’s song “22”, but replace the carefree fun and dancing with bitching and moaning, and make it all about the not-so-fun changes we go through as we get older. I’ll try to add humor when I can.

You’re Doing It Wrong – I’ll complain about education, health care, personal experiences, and current events that don’t make sense to me. Or possibly anyone else.

Special Guest Stars – My favorite posts from others – friends, family or strangers – famous or unheard of – with or without commentary. Basically, anything that I can totally relate to or find outrageously witty – and definitely some whimsical stuff from the best co-workers on earth.

No matter what I write about, I know this is going to be a worthy and freeing experience. I look forward to writing brutal truths and uncensored opinions with reckless abandon.

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